Wednesday, June 15, 2005
| Changes and the Frustration that Goes with It Well here I am! I’ve been off from work for so long that it almost feels like I forgot how to do my job. I walked in to my office this morning and was like whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa? I even forgot the password to the office voicemail. Basically I was all sorts of discombobulated. In any case, the mini-break was not the most enjoyable time of my life. I mean, there were definitely good moments here and there, but overall, it was very stressful. My parents came down to visit and as always they were a blast to be around. I talked to them about some pressing issues in my life and they were nothing, but supportive. My mom also brought me down a piece of artwork for my living room wall and the hope chest my grandmother gave to her before she got married…the first time. It’s a beautiful chest and I’m SO happy to have it. I put my wedding dress in it already. When I asked my mom where her wedding dress was, she said “I sold it at a garage sale for $5.” I freaked out and was like “WHYYYYYYYYYY?” My mom’s response, “Because I don’t like clutter.” I literally shit myself with laughter and then slapped her face. We also said goodbye to our favorite puppy, Rio, on Sunday. My heart smashed into a million pieces when I gave him my final hug. I was literally sobbing and he kept licking my face as if to stop the tears. When I walked Paul and him to the elevator, he refused to leave and kept following me back to my apartment. He didn’t understand what was going on and that made me cry even harder. I just love that little guy and I’m so in need of a puppy to call my own. I’ve been totally MIA from everything CuttheShit lately. I haven’t posted, I haven’t seen many of my friends, and I haven’t talked on the phone with any one. I’m very behind in my friendship duties and until my therapy appointment today, I was starting to get a little stressed out about it. I’ve received a couple of angry phone calls from friends of mine asking where I’ve disappeared to and honestly, I don’t have an answer. Truth is, I’m working through quite a few issues of my own and while I would usually avoid my issues, I’m confronting them head on. I understand that my friends are getting irritated with my seemingly lack of commitment to them, but in all honesty, this change in my life has been a long time coming. Everyone else focuses mostly on themselves…why can’t I do the same thing? And guilt-free? You know, it’s weird. I was in the best mood all day and then when I went to therapy, I kind of started crying at one of the things we were discussing and I have yet to pull myself out of that funk. Sometimes therapy builds you up and gives you confidence, sometimes it breaks you down and leaves you a bit frustrated. Today I feel broken. The goals I’ve set for myself seem too far off and the baby steps I’ve taken to get to this point just don’t seem to be enough. The next 6 months promises to bring many new and challenging changes into my life and I can only hope that I’ll continue to receive support from my family and friends. I guess if they make it more difficult for me to move forward then they were never really behind my getting happy to begin with. I shouldn’t worry about their level of support, but after the responses I’ve gotten this week, I almost feel a little angry and nervous about their commitment to my well being. People, as a rule, tend to be selfish in nature. Instead of me trying to find happiness by catering to other people’s selfishness, it’s time for me to focus on myself. Why do I feel like I keep saying this over and over and over? Probably because I still don’t feel like I can trust my friends not to make me feel guilty for doing what I need to do. And in some ways it pisses me off. In other ways, it just makes me sad. Follow your own path and your true friends will follow. I hope. |
